Roma... presto ci rivedremo!

This past year has been full of the same question from every side: "So when are you going back?"... "I don't know" I'd respond politely, but really I've wanted to shout at the top of my lungs. I'm fine with taking things one day at a time, really that's what I have to do. The part that seemed to "get" people the most is the fact that I really didn't care that I didn't know.

Maybe it's because I've spent a great deal of time in a state of not knowing that it has become second nature to me. But now there are other questions "How are you going to do this" or "What are you going to do after that?". Well, I'm guessing that most people ask these questions out of politeness in order to appear interested or to make conversation and some people are genuinely concerned too. I suppose my answers should better reflect these following paragraphs in order to help people understand that my attitude has nothing to do with recklessness.

God asks us all to trust. He asks us to make our decisions according to our love for Him. I have a lot of reasons for going where I am going and doing what I am doing, but ultimately I realize that the decisions themselves aren't so important, but the motivation behind them is what gives them value.

I've had time to acquire a true indifference. I could have easily decided to cancel the whole idea and go the ordinary route. I could have gotten a full-time job and/or gone to community college to get a basic degree. Or, as I have chosen, I could go through with something not knowing where it will lead, but trusting that I am in the hands of God, trusting that He will provide since I am moving ahead for the right reasons. 

What is this indifference? It is the calm in the eye of the storm. It is the cloud that covers the sweltering sun, the dew on the parched land. But it can sometimes be easy to confuse with the numbness that takes away the pain in frozen extremities only to reveal a sharp stabbing sensation at its passing.

Still the difference between them can be clearly revealed: indifference, like that of the saints, is ultimately abandonment to the will of God. It is rooted in faith and sustained by trust. Numbness has no root, brings no lasting peace and answers to neither faith nor reason.

The Lord blesses all that is done for love of Him...

WELCOME BACK TO ME!

So, I've been away for a while. OK a looong while. I haven't posted in almost a year. You may be aware that I've been going through some changes (if you aren't aware, you can see by my profile pic and maybe take a guess). Anyway, I'm ready to get back to blogging, I have a lot to say, though of course never enough time. So to welcome myself back, I've dug deep into the profound depths of the well of my unpublished posts (so really there were only three of them: one was "time sensitive" and the other quite unfinished), and have published for you the unedited version of this old draft from over a year ago. So here it is!

As I was brainstorming for a topic to post, the thought crossed my mind that today is St. Clare's feast day. In a second instance, I reminded myself that "in-theme" posts are strictly against my blogging policy. I don't know why I have such an aversion to them, and I mean no offense to anyone (blogger or otherwise) who diligently keeps accordance with the liturgical year, but I just can't abide posts on the readings of the day or reflections on the saint of the day, etc. 

So this thought brings me to reflect on where I've come from, and where I'm going.

As a teenager in Catholic highschool, my group of friends was known as the NITs [i.e. Nuns In Training], so I think that in itself gives a pretty good idea of where things stood. I don't think I could classify myself as a Traddie (since I didn't ever wear a chapel veil, and [gasp!] I may have even worn jeans to Sunday Mass a few times since I was always in the choir loft and no one ever saw me), but I was pretty much along those lines. I was a rule follower, but a clueless one.

With the passing of years, and especially because of a rather interesting experience in religious life, I've changed quite a bit. They say that suffering always changes us. Whether for the better or for the worse, it changes us. I'm still not so sure which was my lot, but I'm inclined to think the latter while still hoping that it will be transfigured into the the former.

What I do know, is that my point of view is drastically altared, and I experience what so many young people experience: a thirst for sincerity and truth toward oneself, one's principles and even one's dreams. I've been told that as we come to know Him who made us, we come to know ourselves. It should naturally follow, therefore, that in fidelity to our true selves, made in His likeness we are faithful to Him.

I love a properly celebrated liturgy, I love the Pope, I love Palestrina (who, as you know, comes right after the Pope in ecclesiastical hierarchy) and would never say not to follow them in order give precedence to personal preferences. I am saying that there must come a time when the letter of the law gives way to its spirit, and the Eternal Covenant of love becomes the only law. I suppose that is why Augustine says "Love and do what you will".

With joy and gladness they are led along as they enter the palace of the king.