This past year has been full of the same question from every side: "So when are you going back?"... "I don't know" I'd respond politely, but really I've wanted to shout at the top of my lungs. I'm fine with taking things one day at a time, really that's what I have to do. The part that seemed to "get" people the most is the fact that I really didn't care that I didn't know.
Maybe it's because I've spent a great deal of time in a state of not knowing that it has become second nature to me. But now there are other questions "How are you going to do this" or "What are you going to do after that?". Well, I'm guessing that most people ask these questions out of politeness in order to appear interested or to make conversation and some people are genuinely concerned too. I suppose my answers should better reflect these following paragraphs in order to help people understand that my attitude has nothing to do with recklessness.
God asks us all to trust. He asks us to make our decisions according to our love for Him. I have a lot of reasons for going where I am going and doing what I am doing, but ultimately I realize that the decisions themselves aren't so important, but the motivation behind them is what gives them value.
God asks us all to trust. He asks us to make our decisions according to our love for Him. I have a lot of reasons for going where I am going and doing what I am doing, but ultimately I realize that the decisions themselves aren't so important, but the motivation behind them is what gives them value.
I've had time to acquire a true indifference. I could have easily decided to cancel the whole idea and go the ordinary route. I could have gotten a full-time job and/or gone to community college to get a basic degree. Or, as I have chosen, I could go through with something not knowing where it will lead, but trusting that I am in the hands of God, trusting that He will provide since I am moving ahead for the right reasons.
What is this indifference? It is the calm in the eye of the storm. It is the cloud that covers the sweltering sun, the dew on the parched land. But it can sometimes be easy to confuse with the numbness that takes away the pain in frozen extremities only to reveal a sharp stabbing sensation at its passing.
Still the difference between them can be clearly revealed: indifference, like that of the saints, is ultimately abandonment to the will of God. It is rooted in faith and sustained by trust. Numbness has no root, brings no lasting peace and answers to neither faith nor reason.
The Lord blesses all that is done for love of Him...
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